The first Christmas post of the year…

…will be inspired by the often-hilarious Lost In Showbiz column (it’s labelled a blog but really I think it’s a column) from the Guardian website. It may be in the actual paper, I have no idea, I only read the Guardian online.

The column this week concerns itself with Christmas tips from Pippa Middleton. You know, the well-known party-planner from a party-planning dynasty. The very best of these is this:

“Why not collect and clean chicken wishbones in the run-up to Christmas, spray them silver and use each to pinch together a white hem-stitch napkin?”

Setting aside the fact that I have no idea how to identify a hem-stitch napkin, huh? How many chickens do you think I get through? Do I really need to be told to clean the wishbones, rather than spraypainting them with bits of meat still clinging to them? I suppose that might give it a more rustic look.

wishes not really granted

I wish for no bones to be on my napkin BEFORE I start eating

The best comment comes from Sparro

For my expected twelve guests, I’d have to know a dozen people who have recently each eaten a chicken and dutifully saved the wishbone for me. Maybe instead I should get a dozen chicken’s heads from the slaughterhouse. then each could be observed at the Christmas dinner-table delightfully holding a guest’s name in the beak as a jolly centre-piece of each place-setting.
I can invent this sort of tosh, too, Pippa.

sqwawk

This would be better, actually

So can I! So can you! Let’s all invent some more of “this sort of tosh”, shall we? We could write a book together.

So far we have a poultry-themed table with wishbone napkin-holders and chicken-head placenames. Shall we add plucked feathers as toothpicks? From the brace of pheasants that went into the terrine starter of course.

Why not create a lovely nativity scene, fashioning the stable out of beef ribs? Use Sylvanian families toys as the characters, and let everyone marvel at the baby Jesus – or the baby shrew that the cat brought in.

After dinner, why not play marbles with pickled sheeps’ eyeballs, or use interestingly-shaped pigs’ teeth as Monopoly tokens? I’ll be the one that looks like a knobbly parsnip please!

What would you have at your death-themed Christmas dinner?

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